Anxiety and the Most Urgent, Important, Necessary Thoughts in the Universe

"Tomorrow, I'm going to let go of the expectation that my thoughts matter right now."

There have been times over the last few weeks when I felt like none of my "mental health tools" were working. Most of the time, I feel more in control these days. I know a bunch of types of meditation and how to recognize harmful thought patterns. I know how to turn vulnerable feelings into bonding moments with people I care about, or art-- I have tools like writing and music to fuel my "spirit." Not to mention my self-care rituals.

But there's one thing that stands in the way. When I'm really depressed or anxious, I feel like I'm on the verge of a really important thought at all times. Like, I can't fully commit to things that make me feel better, because then I'll miss the Really Important Thing. It reminds me of a story I tried to write (well, I did write it, but it didn't quite work) comparing depression and the myth of Sisyphus pushing the boulder up the hill only for it to roll down again. In that story, my depressed brain played the part of a trickster God.

My hardcore Christian friends tell me that urge to resist care is the devil.

I think it's a form of validation. There's no way I'm really this anxious about something as earthly and temporary as an overdrawn checking account. I don't have time to deal with those feelings because the real source of my mood will reveal itself any minute. And it won't just be about today! It'll reveal the source of all my bad feelings ever!

The thoughts aren't usually so direct. This is my attempt to put words to a really hard to describe phenomenon.

Another way to describe it is like this: I recognize that money is a stressor. I start to break down my fears about money and then my dad pops into my head. I think about all the stress he's under taking care of my mom with neurofibromatosis. I start to think maybe money isn't my stressor, maybe the cause of my stress has something to do with my family. I try to explore those thoughts but how much work my choir has to do to get ready for the next audition pops into my head. Now I'm bouncing around between all three topics. Others are popping up, too. I can't address all of them at once, but I can't quiet a single one until it's addressed.

It feels like If I could just grab a hold of one of these, everything would start to make sense.

And that is what eventually happens. As they say on that show Obsessed, (and in the cognitive therapies that inspired it), "You can't stay at a 10/10 forever." The human body cannot sustain high levels of stress for very long.

A quieter moment reveals itself and that's when I open up my journal or a meditation app. I pluck out one of the stressful thoughts as if from a ball of tangled embroidery floss, picking at the knots slowly and deliberately.

This process of patience, working through one stressor at a time, has helped me have at least as many good days as bad. I'm grateful to be able to examine my mood day by day instead of knowing they'll all be bad, the way it used to be.

The more tools I collect, the closer I get to truly living in the moment. Not even day by day, but situation by situation, without expectation for the next.

So here's another tool I can add for times of high stress: None of the stressors on your mind are the most important, urgent, essential thing in the whole world or universe. Do not hold out for an epiphany. You are not a mailbox waiting for an important letter. You are a person. Give yourself permission to sit with a quiet mind. You think you have to allow the thoughts to occupy you, but you don't. They will come back later if they truly need to be heard, if they truly exist for your best interest.

Update: I got to use this new tool recently. I couldn’t sleep because my thoughts were all over the place and they felt so urgent. I remembered what I wrote here and reminded myself that I had everything I needed and was safe. Anything else can wait until morning. I was able to meditate for a few minutes and fell asleep easily after that.

SDD Clutter Free Day 10: The Tool Box and Living in the Moment

My grandma helped me decide which
tools to keep. I thought I had three of
the same kind of wrench. Turns out
I don't, and they're all useful!

It's Day 10 of the So Damn Domestic Clutter Free Countdown, and today I was tasked with decluttering 21 items. I'm running out of floor space, collecting all these piles, I decided to organize my toolbox and get it out of the walkway. I'm in the Facebook group for the Clutter Free Countdown, and I've noticed that some of the participants remove the items from their home every day. They post the items for sale online as they declutter them, or they take a box to Goodwill every evening.

I'm not sure how they manage it. I feel like just the act of collecting the items is big enough. But then, maybe they would think the same about my blogging.

I do wish I'd set up a system to get rid of these throughout the month. It's stressful having them all stacked in my bedroom. For the last few days, my nighttime routine has been messed up because I don't like hanging out in my room when it's like this. I'd rather stay in the living room and browse on my phone for an hour than practice piano, read, and meditate in my room.

I feel the loss of that.

It's also a reminder that stuff matters. I am affected by how much stuff I have, what kind of stuff, and how it's arranged. It's motivation to keep going with this countdown and get to a place where I'm mindful of every item in my home and what role it plays in my life.

Speaking of tools to fix things...

Day 10: Declutter 21 Items

No kitties on the bed today either. Another scorcher, so they stayed on the floor.
Proud of my work here! I took everything out and even washed the toolbox.

1-3. Screwdrivers. It is nice to have multiple when you're moving and want every friend disassembling a piece of furniture at the same time. But I think one battery powered screwdriver and one manual screwdriver will be enough.
5, 6. Hammers. With screwdrivers inside them. Very nifty, until you replace it with sturdier tools.
7. Broken phone charger wire. The ones that live in the car don't seem to last as long as the ones in the house.
8. Yoga mat wipes. I left my yoga mat at my parents' house. These wipes are expired now.
9-13. iPod dock adjusters for outdated iPods.
14. Wire cutter? I don't know what it is, but I know I don't need two of it.
15. Razor, rusted. Plus, I used to cut myself with it, so getting rid of it feels like Today Means Amen!
16. Dried up rubber band ball.
17-21. Hardware for furniture I no longer own.
PLUS! Rusted or stripped screws, unidentifiable do-dads, and pieces of trash!

I will say, the trash is leaving my apartment throughout the month, so even if the clothing, kitchen supplies, books, DVDs, linens, and toys consume my bedroom, at least I can say I'm not storing trash anymore.

I had been considering a book challenge next month (daily page number goals, probably), but now I'm thinking I might want to give myself the whole first week of October to find homes for 400-something objects. Perhaps I shouldn't worry about it. A daily countdown can make it hard to live in the moment, if you let it. The daily prompts can be focusing, absolutely, but I feel like I have one eye on the end date.

I'm going to work on living more in the moment, starting with getting back into my nighttime routine tonight. It's already 10:30, and I still gotta revise, format, and announce this blog post, so I better skedaddle!

A Night Owl's Experiment: Developing a Nighttime Routine

"Tomorrow, I'm going to honor a nighttime routine."

One of my big goals for July was to develop a Wake-up Routine. I succeeded in that goal, and it's been wonderful starting my days with intention. My apartment stays clean with fewer cleaning binges stressing me out. I let the routine slide during a high-anxiety week, and that's okay. The routine was all set and reassuring when I was ready to step back into it.

The reason it works is because it's more than "cleaning," it's meditation. It's cleaning mixed in with tooth-brushing, stretching and affirmations, and breakfast. It flows together like watercolors and reminds me that I am part of my environment, and I'm worth taking care of. (From what I understand, the “care” aspect makes it a ritual instead of a routine, but that’s a topic for another time.)

It's been such a comfort, I'm excited to work on a nighttime routine now. I'm a night owl. I get a burst of energy when the sun goes down and it takes major effort to pull me away from whatever I'm working on. I suspect learning to read my body's tiredness cues will be a big part of a nighttime routine's success.

When I experimented with a Dream Day calendar, I set numerous alerts to remind me to start winding down. They were absolutely useless, just like an alarm to wake up in the morning was useless. I need to apply the same strategy to nights that I've had so much success with in mornings, which is:

1. Focus on the task order.

I've tried making goals like "meditate every night" and they always get dropped for that extra episode of Cupcake Wars. Morning goals used to get dropped for extra time playing on my phone, and the way I got over that was by creating an “order of operations” for my morning. For my nighttime routine, if I blend meditation, cross stitch, and reading in with dishes, wiping counters, and washing my face, in the same order every night, I believe the whole will support the parts.

Every race needs a starter's pistol. I can start with the same task every time. I’m thinking first, put on podcast, second, wipe table. That feels like a good starting place for me.

2. Time the whole.

Instead of assuming I'll get to everything every morning, I limit my morning routine to an hour. My morning routine has dishes and laundry in it. Tasks like those fluctuate based on how much mess has accumulated. It took some practice to learn what an hour feels like without watching the clock. I have an even better idea for nighttime! I'm gonna put on a podcast or CD while I do the cleaning part, then finish it out to cross stitch, and after it's done, move to my bedroom/bathroom for tooth brushing, reading, and meditation. While my Wake-up Routine takes one hour, with how much effort it takes to convince my night owl brain to rest, the Nighttime Routine will probably take two.

3. It'll happen when it happens.

My hope is that the self-regulatory nature of routines will lead to a regular sleep/wake schedule. Then, I’ll be able to say, “My nighttime routine starts at 9 PM.” (HA, 9 PM, that's like early evening!) Until then, my plan is simply to commit to the tasks, not the hour, so I have to learn not to push myself to exhaustion by starting too late in the night. Tonight is a bad example of listening to internal cues. I was so excited to repeat the routine I practiced yesterday, I went straight to Google Docs to write about it.

It’s a process!

I’ve decided to break my Nighttime Routine into three phases, so I can master them in baby steps.

Phase 1: Leading Rein (Titled this, not because any of these acts give me control, but because they allow my mind to take me where it needs to go. Of course, listening to a podcast impedes that. Hmm.Something to consider, there.)

1. Put on podcast or album
2. Wipe table
3. Wipe counters
4. Wipe stove
5. Diffuse a calming essential oil
6. Prep tomorrow’s meals as applicable
7. Throw out trash / sort recyclables
8. Wash dishes
9. Wipe sink and faucet
10. Brew tea
11. Sweep

Phase 2: Passage (The phase between active and asleep.)

1. Tidy desk
2. Tidy living room (adjust couch cushions and pillows, fold blankets, stack books)
3. Enjoy tea and cross stitch [I’m still working on timing. Until end of podcast? End of one needle’s worth of embroidery floss? 20 minutes? I’ll try it a few ways and see what works.]
4. Play with cats until they lay on their sides
5. Plug in mobile devices to charge
6. Refill water bottle
7. Turn lights and other electronics off in the living side of the apartment

Phase 3: Landing Place

1. Put on PJs
2. Brush teeth
3. Floss
4. Wash face
5. Moisturize
6. Read, 20 mins.
7. Adjust the bed covers and window so the room is cool, dark, and quiet
8. Body scan meditation
9. If not asleep within 30 minutes, repeat last three steps.

I made these lists in the Reminders app on my iPhone 4S. Any to-do list app will work great. Of course, it’s best to minimize screen use before bed, so a whiteboard, chalkboard, or plain ol’ piece of paper could be used instead.

I make sure to use the checklists even if I feel like I have it memorized because, honestly, if it were intuitive, I would’ve been doing it all along. Besides, the point is not to recreate the order every time, but to develop habits of Thing B after Thing A.

I’d like to say my goal is to master this by the end of August, but with three phases, I have a feeling it’s going to take longer than two weeks to get it down pat.

It’s important to remind myself to do these things without expectation. It’s all for me, so if it doesn’t improve my life, I can let it go and try something else instead. It is impossible to fail.

What works for you?

Better Life Meditation with Lynn Le: A Night of Coping Lessons

"Tomorrow, I'm going to practice new coping skills through meditation."

A week ago Friday, I sat on my couch as the sun set, not bothering to adjust the lights. My day had gone as planned: wakeup routine (including the laundry AND the stretching parts!), 750words daily challenge, healing writing project, work hours--all good.

Yet I felt unsettled. Anxiety's been coming back intermittently since my mom had all those health scares a couple weeks ago. That’s why I haven’t been blogging.

I knew if I stayed home that night, I’d end up watching TV until my mind went numb, so I made a choice to fight my withdrawing impulse and go try something new: a meditation event at a nail salon.

When I got there, a woman opened the door for me and gestured down a hallway. It opened into a well-decorated, fully-outfitted nail salon. (Lots of purples--of course I would like like it!) A woman stood at a podium near the front entrance, sorting papers.

"Looks like nobody's coming," she said.

"Oh really?" I asked, "There were 7 RSVPs, weren't there? I can leave if you want to cancel."

"No, no," she said, "This is better. For you."

She uncoiled a white mat and tossed down some pillows. I started to sit perpendicular to her, like I would've if it were a larger group sitting in a circle.

"You can sit in front of me. It's just us," she said. I felt on display there, suddenly aware that I'm three times her weight, suddenly wishing I'd worn a shirt without spills on it. At the same time, I knew this was pretty cool. How many people have this experience of trusting a stranger enough to sit down with them and close your eyes?

She asked about my meditation experience and I told her I've been practicing Mindfulness Meditation and Secular Buddhism for about a year. I do a body scan meditation every night. But generally I'd still consider myself a newbie.

The type of meditation we did that night at the salon is called Frequency Meditation. I had done it before but my mind was still anxious and I didn’t make the connection. Frequency meditation relies on chakras and flows or blocks of energies. I don't believe in chakras, but I let myself be suggestible while I'm there, because I do believe in the power of the mind. If I visualize energy in my heart chakra for an hour, the act helps me cultivate love and compassion.

Lynn Le guided the meditation with the simple directions to, “Breathe, from your heart to your brain, and out through your mouth.” I tried, but I had a hard time visualizing that. As a singer, I regularly imagine my breath starting lower--more of a belly breath. When I imagined breathing into my heart, the breath felt limited and tight. Eventually I settled into my normal deep-breathing habits because I was more comfortable: deep belly breath, out through the nose. I continued to zone in on the phrase “from the heart to the brain,” though. Lynn Le held her hand out to use her vibrations to heal me.

We stayed like that for an hour, and then she asked if I felt anything. I answered honestly.

“I feel more relaxed. I feel connected to you. My breathing felt tight in the beginning, but now I breathe easily. My foot’s asleep.” I stretched my legs out in front of me. “It was hard to concentrate because my back hurt. I have a fractured vertebra, but I’m glad I made the effort.”

“Oh, really?” she asked.

“Well, the wing-shaped tip of a vertebra is fractured, not the whole thing. It’s an old injury, but it still hurts sometimes.”

She closed her eyes and said she would help me. We meditated again.

My back pain did get better. I think admitting out loud that I was hurting helped me adopt a more comfortable seating position, without trying to “look the part” of a meditator. But it could have been Lynn’s healing energy. Why not?

The most energizing part of the experience was the hour that followed. We talked about coping skills and depression. The lessons she gave were so beautiful and on-point, I had quite a few epiphany moments. I’m going to write these in list style so they’re easy to access and copy down for reference.

1. “Twirling water.” When someone causes conflict, you can respond, or you can collect yourself first. A quick comeback is like twirling your finger the opposite direction of spinning water. The water’s going to crash over the sides of the cup, make a mess, and leave you thirsty. However, if you wait until you are calm, the water will also calm.
   
   I experienced this when I got in an argument with my brother. Instead of saying the first angry things that came to mind, I vacuumed my living room rug. I meditated on how my environment is an extension of myself. Clean rug, clean mind. Then I sat down and did nothing for a while. The origins of my brother’s feelings became clearer, like taking a moment to breathe had made room for empathy. I responded to him thoughtfully. Later that night, he sent me an apology. If I had reacted with my initial anger, we might still be fighting.
   
2. “I don’t want to feel this feeling.” This lesson reminded me of Brene Brown’s work. Sometimes when we’re in a negative state, we try to get rid of it by numbing it or raging at nothing in particular. Since we can’t stop all negative things from happening, we get stuck in this dark pattern. It’s more productive to “sit with it,” feel what we’re feeling, and try to figure out where it comes from and what we can do about it.
   
   I keep re-learning that one. We can’t change everything else in the world, but we can change how we perceive it.
   
3. “Depression is an accumulation.” Every time we don’t resolve a feeling, we miss an opportunity to learn how to deal with difficulty. We might also develop a scar, a complex, an energy--whatever you want to call it, a hurt that can be triggered and hurt again.
   
   Lynn would describe this as a buildup of negative energies. When I told her I struggled with depression, she asked what caused it. After I told her what I thought caused it, she asked when that started. A lot of the triggers on my “Why I’m Depressed” list went back to when I was a child.
   
   I liked the way she saw things, with patience. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed, thinking that because I’ve struggled for so long, I always will. But it’s not about that. If something bad happened to me as a child, but I never think about it now, it’s probably resolved. It’s the thoughts that keep returning that tell me where the healing needs to happen.
   
4. “The present is still the most important time to heal.” Even though we can look at overwhelming negative states as hurt accumulated, it doesn’t do a lot of good to look back unless the present is calm. We’d just accumulate more.
   
   From what I understand, current therapies agree with this idea. “Tell me about your mother” therapy isn’t really practiced anymore. It’s better to build up coping skills and then look back from a stronger place.
   

So, that’s the story of how one Friday night went from boring and anxiety-filled to an enlightening, new experience. I met an awesome person. She takes care of others all day at her spa and teaches meditation on top of that. She wants to spread healing and joy to as many people as she can.

The days that followed have been up and down. It’s a process getting back on my feet after a period of stress. I do feel more equipped this time around. The waters are as muddy as ever, but I float on top like a lotus.

Dealing with Difficult Circumstances: A Conversation

“Tomorrow, I’m going to deal with difficult circumstances.”

"Family" by Ana Yael, a curated
Art Print from Society6

My mom isn't doing so well. Her 5-day hospital stay didn't lead to a prognosis for her brain swelling and confusion. We're still in the dark. She has Neurofibromatosis Type II. She always said her biggest fear was being alive but "checked out." I'm devastated that this is happening, but trying to stay positive by focusing on what's actionable going forward. If you want to brighten my day, register to walk with my team for the NF Walk Los Angeles or donate to show your support.

I'm researching ways to deal with difficult circumstances. More accurately, I have to deal with the difficult circumstances of right now, and I hope to find patterns that will help me cope with difficulties throughout the rest of my life.

I'm not even sure what "deal with difficult circumstances" means yet. Does it mean being able to do your job despite personal stress? If so, when do you process the feels? Does "dealing" mean processing the feels so they don't consume you, or knowing how to get back to being okay after they do?


One thing I do know: "dealing" isn't about "not feeling." One of my friends and I have a system in which, if one of us needs to talk, we say, "I have feels." The other person will ask, "Are they big feels?" The friend who needs help says something like, “They’re medium-to-large feels.” And then we share congratulations, because it's so easy to be numb these days. Feelings show us where the love is.

My anger at the hospital's inattention: it's a disguise for the love I have for my mom. 

To see the love behind negatives is to practice gratitude. Maybe having tools like gratitude is the answer to what it means to "deal with difficult circumstances." I still want some sort of metric to measure my "dealing" by, but I have to come to terms with: that might not be possible. I don't have a strict definition of "success," so why do I need a clear picture of what "dealing" or "coping" look like?

Let's all just feel what we feel.


In the spirit of feels, here's 5 things that I've been returning to a lot lately because they make me feel feelings:

1. "What We Gained in the Fire" by the Mynabirds. Incredible song. My imagination takes me somewhere different every time I hear it. I don't know why YouTube kept taking me out of full screen mode at the end of each play-through, as if I wasn't going to push play and watch it again, over and over.

2. "IDGAF" by Watsky. I love how the video is Watsky having a party with the monsters under his bed. It's a rap about the freedom of living in the moment and having meaningful priorities. And speaking of...

3. "The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F***" by Mark Manson. This article is my new favorite thing. I don't know if it's pent up anger because of the situation back home or my general disdain for decorum, but I find all the curse words refreshing. It's also funny ("I don’t even know what that sentence means, but I don’t give a [f***]. A bag of burritos sounds awesome, so let’s just go with it.") and quite thoughtful. Sometimes I read something and think, Maybe I should give up being a writer because that person just said everything I've been trying to say. This is one of those articles.

4. "Today Means Amen" by Sierra DeMulder. A spoken word poem that's like a motivational speech. My favorite line is "You, the teacher, the starter's gun, the lantern in the night that offers not a way home, but the courage to travel farther into the dark." It's absolutely beautiful and I cry every time. Big, ugly cries.

5. Enjoying my cats. Sometimes of think of them as tiny tigers. Today I took videos of me waking them up. I had a distract-able moment and couldn't resist. I love how much their personalities show in their reactions, and I love their fat, happy kitty tummies.

I'm having technical difficulties with the videos.
In the meantime, enjoy these pictures of Jolie and Tyrone.

Here's the link to the NF Walk page again. 

Please feel free to comment below if you have any thoughts on how to define "dealing with difficult circumstances" or want to geek out with me over something in my 5 things list.

Slipping Into Depression: It's OK

"Tomorrow, I'm going to intercept my depression."

Last week I had so many ideas for what to write about: home stuff, art stuff, branding stuff. But over the week icky things kept happening, from getting stood up, to my mom spending a day in the ER.

Now I'm in that place where it's hard to focus when people talk and I have to search my brain for correct social responses, instead of responding authentically. I'm not engaged with much around me. It makes writing difficult. (And eating. And basic hygiene. And getting out of bed.)

I googled "what to do when you feel yourself slipping into depression." As usual, WebMD was the top result and its message upset me. Depressed people isolate themselves, so go be more social? That's called circular logic, WebMD. You try feeling as exhausted as I was spending time with friends yesterday and tell me how social you feel the next day.

I loved, however, TinyBuddha's article on 20 Thoughts to Help Relieve Anxiety and Depression. The author advises us to write a list of reasons why we shouldn't feel bad. It's just like my own article Why Am I Cranky.

Today's curated art prints are "cease 2" and "thirsting plant" by Buddhaweather.

Yes, I knew what to do all along. I have to break down the big, messy numbness into legitimate causes-and-effects. Why does it work? Because there is nothing wrong with my brain chemistry. The fog I feel is my mind trying to protect me when it seems like the problems outweigh the resources to cope with those problems.

So, what are the problems? What makes them okay? That TinyBuddha article has great examples of why the bad is not so bad.

I can work on forgiveness. I can work on acceptance. I can cultivate daily mindfulness.

I am not in the dark.

Big Girls Don't Cry: How to Comfort a Crying Friend

"Tomorrow, my friend won't cry."

I'm for living in the moment as much as possible, and I've found that one way to do that is to imagine a future time when your problems don't exist. It's not a goal. It's not pretend. It's acceptance: This thing that sucks right now, it's okay. It's just for now.

Art Prints curated from Society6

One way I've applied this philosophy is in working with toddlers. There's a trick that helps when they're being naughty where you say, "That's okay. When you're 4 you won't color on the walls anymore." Often, the child's desire to be 4 is enough to get them to stop coloring on the walls.

I immediately thought of that when I cried on the phone to Katie yesterday and she said, "That's okay. It's okay to be scared today. Tomorrow, you'll wake up and you'll feel totally refreshed." I had gotten calls from three separate student loan lenders in a row, and by the third call, I threw up my hands and huffed at them to just email me. (It’s very awkward to attempt politeness while huffing, btw.)

I stayed at a high anxiety level all day. I got stuck in Studio City because every time I tried to drive, I'd start crying again. But I had Katie's promise in my head, "Tomorrow's a new day."

I felt great when I woke up this morning, and I attribute it largely to the power of suggestion.

How to Do It Wrong:

1. Apply an unrealistic or shaming timeline for the scope of the problem.

For Toddler: "Big girls pee in the potty. I guess you're still a baby." It’s essentially the same thing as my earlier example, but the language of it is more like, “You should be better RIGHT NOW, you loser.”

For Friend: “Don’t worry, your crippling depression will be all gone in the morning.”

2. Throw cliches at them without addressing the problem.

Calls that it was time to pay back student loans upset me enough to make me cry partly because I had a horrible college experience. Other friends I talked to jumped right to the “Let it go. It’s part of who you are” sayings, and it just made me hate myself. Katie was like, “Yeah, that’s gonna suck to have that reminder every month, but it’s not forever.” Then she gave me advice about loan consolidation. THEN she said the bit about “Tomorrow’s a new day,” when I was ready to hear it.

I don’t cry often. I definitely don’t cry to friends often. But I’m glad I did, because I do feel better. I intend to pay it forward. Much sooner than I'll pay off my student loans.