Big Girls Don't Cry: How to Comfort a Crying Friend

"Tomorrow, my friend won't cry."

I'm for living in the moment as much as possible, and I've found that one way to do that is to imagine a future time when your problems don't exist. It's not a goal. It's not pretend. It's acceptance: This thing that sucks right now, it's okay. It's just for now.

Art Prints curated from Society6

One way I've applied this philosophy is in working with toddlers. There's a trick that helps when they're being naughty where you say, "That's okay. When you're 4 you won't color on the walls anymore." Often, the child's desire to be 4 is enough to get them to stop coloring on the walls.

I immediately thought of that when I cried on the phone to Katie yesterday and she said, "That's okay. It's okay to be scared today. Tomorrow, you'll wake up and you'll feel totally refreshed." I had gotten calls from three separate student loan lenders in a row, and by the third call, I threw up my hands and huffed at them to just email me. (It’s very awkward to attempt politeness while huffing, btw.)

I stayed at a high anxiety level all day. I got stuck in Studio City because every time I tried to drive, I'd start crying again. But I had Katie's promise in my head, "Tomorrow's a new day."

I felt great when I woke up this morning, and I attribute it largely to the power of suggestion.

How to Do It Wrong:

1. Apply an unrealistic or shaming timeline for the scope of the problem.

For Toddler: "Big girls pee in the potty. I guess you're still a baby." It’s essentially the same thing as my earlier example, but the language of it is more like, “You should be better RIGHT NOW, you loser.”

For Friend: “Don’t worry, your crippling depression will be all gone in the morning.”

2. Throw cliches at them without addressing the problem.

Calls that it was time to pay back student loans upset me enough to make me cry partly because I had a horrible college experience. Other friends I talked to jumped right to the “Let it go. It’s part of who you are” sayings, and it just made me hate myself. Katie was like, “Yeah, that’s gonna suck to have that reminder every month, but it’s not forever.” Then she gave me advice about loan consolidation. THEN she said the bit about “Tomorrow’s a new day,” when I was ready to hear it.

I don’t cry often. I definitely don’t cry to friends often. But I’m glad I did, because I do feel better. I intend to pay it forward. Much sooner than I'll pay off my student loans.

To-Do List Friends: A Best Friend Typology

"Tomorrow, I'm going to appreciate my To-Do List Friends, and find more of 'em."

Berdine would be a good To-Do List Friend, but
I'm not sure Florence could reciprocate. Amazon Link.

I miss having friends to hang out in sweatpants and watch campy movies with. I miss that every Saturday, when Skype-watching Game of Thrones with my brothers doesn't cut it. (That's when you queue to the the same timestamp and count down to push play.) Game of Thrones isn't nearly campy enough, for one thing. I want Psycho Beach Party or Cheerleader Massacre campy!

But lately, as I become more ambitious with my personal and career goals, I find myself missing something else: The To-Do List Friend. The kind who doubles as sweatpants friend, so you know you can trust them to see your dirty laundry. I've had a few.

How I know someone's a To-Do List Friend:

• I would invite them on a trip to Home Depot.

• I would help them move, paint a room, or Spring Clean.

• We would make plans to check things off my to-do list and then do theirs the next day.

• They would make chores feel like just hanging out.

This must be why people get married. There's always someone around to watch movies with or help you get stuff done. Well, I'm not really "there." I don't know about all that. All I know is, when I try to do everything alone, it goes much slower.

I also know it's possible to rely on others too much. I've learned a lot about independence by moving 1,000 miles away. I'm getting better at spreading out all the little tasks so the task list doesn't get so long. And that's part of maturing, too.

But the list is always there, and humans are social creatures. I have my meetup groups, my grandparents, and a few friends I'm growing closer to all the time--I'm not alone here. I just have to keep building those relationships, being open to new experiences, and giving with my whole heart. 

Sometimes lists are fun!

This post reminds me of the time Kat told me she hit it off with someone at work. I threw my arms up and said, "You made a friend!" And she threw her arms up and said, "I made a work friend!" I thought it was funny that she specified "work" friend. I guess shouting "I made a friend!" in public could make a person seem a bit...overeager.

I don't care. It's hard to make friends as an adult. Maybe we should shout more.


Buddy the Elf image source: http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3rb9nl/